


Spectres and Starships

by ChopperIV



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:58:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6690637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChopperIV/pseuds/ChopperIV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the defeat of the Collectors, the crew of the Normandy is in high spirits. Joker decides to celebrate by bringing the crew together for one last mission: playing a tabletop roleplaying game...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spectres and Starships

“It’s called Spectres and Starships. It’s based on an old Earth game from the late 20th century.” Joker pulled up the guidebook on his omnitool and sent a copy to all the crewmembers sitting at the table in front of him. “See, it used to be all about that swords-and-sorcery stuff, but this version uses asari and krogans instead of elves and orcs. It’s pretty fun; I played it once back when it was in its first edition.”

“And what edition is it on now, Joker?” asked Samara, taking a look at the file.  
“Uh, edition five-point-five, I think. Fifth edition came out a while back, but this edition added some extra stuff that wasn’t in it. A few new playable races, new weapons, new ships, stuff like that. I can pull up the extensive changelog from the extranet, but then we’d be here all night before we even got to kill one varren.”

“New weapons and killing varren. Sounds like my kind of game,” said Grunt, slamming his fists together. He wiggled in his seat impatiently. “So when do we get to see the holos fight?”

“Not just yet, Grunt,” said Commander Shepard. “Everybody’s got to make a character first. Joker already went over this with me a while ago. This is the first chance we’ve had to get the whole crew together to play. Now that the Collectors are gone, we’ve got all the time in the world.”

“Shepard-Commander, we are not in “the world”. We are in the galaxy. The Milky Way Galaxy, as it is known to your species. Specifically the Sol system in the Local Cluster, which houses multiple inhabited planets and the human homeworld of Earth.” Legion helpfully interjected their two bits in an attempt to clarify, but their helpfulness was met with an annoyed look from Shepard.

“Yes, Legion, we know. It’s just a human metaphor.”

Legion emitted a few beeping sounds. “Human custom observed and noted.”  
“As I was saying…” Joker said, attempting to get the conversation back on track. “This game is all about role-playing. Putting yourself in the shoes of the fictional character you create and speaking as them, making decisions as them, and yes, even fighting as them.”

“Quit quoting the back of the goddamn box and get on with it,” Zaeed snapped from the other end of the table. They were in what was normally used as the communications/meeting room, but Joker had placed a large holo-emitter mat over the center table and gotten Commander Shepard to bring in a number of chairs that had been stowed away. Why they were on the ship Shepard didn’t know, but presumably the Illusive Man had predicted this exact situation and given them additional chairs. At least that was what he’d probably say if questioned.

“Okay, yes, I will if you would stop interrupting! Anyway, I’ve got character sheets and pens for all of you. I already sent you guys the game book, so just follow its instructions to make a character that appeals to you. If you’ve got any questions, just ask the Commander or myself. Shepard’s already made a character, and I’ve got more experience with the game than anybody here. Oh, and ground rules for making a character: You are not allowed to be the same race as you actually are. That means Grunt, no krogans, Tali, no quarians, blah blah blah etcetera. Got it? Okay, let’s go.” Joker stood up and began hobbling around the table, handing out sheets of paper to each crewmember. Garrus took a quick glance at the first page he got and twirled his pen between his two fingers. Actual paper. How quaint. Joker must have spent a fortune on having all these copies made.

Taking a closer look at the piece of paper, Garrus suddenly felt overwhelmed. What the heck was all this stuff? Armor Class? Proficiency Bonus? Hit Dice Maximum? What did all this do?

“Uh, Shepard, I’m lost already,” Garrus said, scratching his mandibles. “What does any of this mean? I can guess what Strength is, but what are all these other things? Constitution? Dexterity? I don’t get it.”

Grunt laughed. “Typical turian attitude! Gets in far over his head, then whines for aid at the first sign of resistance!” He turned back to his pages. “…Shepard, what is this word?”

Shepard leaned over Grunt’s shoulder. “Uh, that says Intelligence, Grunt.”

“Bah! I knew that.”

Shepard frowned. “Joker, you want to just give Grunt a hand with all this stuff?”

Joker set the remainder of the sheets down and leaned over the table to Grunt. “Alright, Commander, I’ll be the designated babysitter. Okay, Grunt, first off let’s take a look at the races you can play as.” Joker skimmed through the file on his omnitool until he reached a chapter labeled “Races”. “Okay, here we go. So you can play as an asari, batarian, drell, geth, human, krogan, quarian, salarian, turian, volus, and vorcha.”

“I wanna be a krogan!” shouted Grunt excitedly.

“Joker just said you can’t play a krogan,” said Tali.

“Why be worse than the best in the galaxy?! I wanna be a krogan!” Grunt repeated, slamming his fists on the table.

“Look Grunt, maybe another time we play this you can be a krogan, but today everybody’s being forced to play outside their comfort zones, okay? Try something else for a change. How about an asari?” Shepard said, trying to keep Grunt from blowing a gasket.

Grunt sat for a few moments and considered it. “…Can I be an asari with a krogan father?”

Joker shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“HA HA! I WIN!” Grunt stood up in victory, knocking over his chair.

“Grunt, we haven’t even started yet. Save the victory celebrations for when you kill something.” said Zaeed, who was pondering over the page on Volus characters.

“Alright, uh, having a krogan dad gets your asari +2 to her Strength score and a -1 to her Intelligence and Wisdom. We’ll roll for the full scores later, but for now let’s just write that in on the side.” Joker jotted down a quick note to the edge of Grunt’s paper, then skimmed down through his omnitool to the section on classes. “Now what do you want to be, Grunt? A wizard, a sorcerer, a medic? Something that makes good use of the asari’s high Biotics score?”

“I want to crush the skulls of my enemies with my bare fists and drink their blood in a hail of fire!”

“…So not a wizard then,” said Joker, skimming down to the part of the file on barbarians.

“Psst! Science Guy! What are you playing as?” said Jack, leaning over to whisper to Mordin.

“No need to whisper. Results not confidential. Considering choosing simple human sorceror. Humans give wide variety of bonuses.” Mordin drew a sharp breath. “Logical choice.”

“Aw, but humans don’t give any extra traits like Darkvision or Blood Rage or Regeneration! Personally I’m thinking of going with a salarian medic, like you. Every team needs a good healer, and I can be the kind that breaks a few skulls while healing the guy behind me. And salarians have Quick Thinking, so I get a +2 to my Intelligence modifier.”

“Am flattered by comparison, but considering abundance of varied situations game presents, range of bonuses seems preferable.” Mordin was already busy writing down his starting equipment. Jack took a look at his speedy handwriting. It seemed completely illegible to her, but as long as the doctor could read it…

“Aw, come on, doc, which would you rather be? Really good at a few things, or mediocre across the board?” Across the table, Jacob perked up.

“Not mediocre. Above-average. Point is moot anyhow. Character is finished.” Mordin gathered his papers and straightened them. “Waiting on the rest of you, then we begin.”

Jack rolled her eyes. “Whatever, frog-eyes.” She turned to talk to the person on her other side, who happened to be Garrus. Garrus had his head in his hands and looked incredibly distraught. “Uh…you okay, birdo?”

“I just don’t know…” Garrus muttered. “Maybe you can help. I’ve narrowed it down to two race options here. Should I play a krogan, or a hanar?”

“Krogan!” Grunt interjected.

“You can play as a hanar?” Jack said. “Why is that even a thing?”

Joker waved his hand, trying to dismiss the issue. “Look, the Blasto expansion pack was really popular back in 4th Edition, so they just made hanar a base race in the next edition. Garrus, just go with a krogan; hanar are way too overpowered.” 

“…The HANAR are overpowered?” Jack said in disbelief.

“Okay then, krogan it is. I’ll be Bers of Clan…uh, Klorit, vanguard of my people,” said Garrus, writing down the information on his sheet.

“Really?” said Grunt. “You really want to go with the name “Clog of Clan Drainage?”

“What was that?” said Garrus, momentarily breaking his intense concentration.

“Nothing. Just saying how Bers is the name of a great warlord of my people. Go ahead, use it. I insist. Heh heh heh.” Grunt went back to trying to decide his character class, leaving Garrus confused and suspicious.

***

30 minutes later, all the characters had been finished. Joker sat at the head of the table with a large cardboard screen in front of him, partially obscuring his face as he leaned forward. “So then! We’re all finished then, right? Great, we can finally get started. But first, you’re all pretty proud of your new friends-slash-personas, so how about everybody tells us a little about their characters? Okay good. So who wants to start? We’ll go clockwise.”

“ME! ME ME ME! I WANNA START!” Grunt shouted, bouncing in his seat and waggling his stubby tail with glee.

“Uh, okay then. Grunt, you can go first. Start with your name, race, and cla—”

“MY NAME IS ULA T’VEER AND I’M AN ASARI WITH A KROGAN DAD! I’m a BARBARIAN! I crush my enemies skulls WITH MY TINY BLUE FISTS and a GIANT HAMMER!”

“Of course you’re a barbarian…” said Miranda, rolling her eyes.

“I GREW UP ON ILLIUM AND I RUN THE ECLIPSE MERCS THERE! Joker came up with that part. But I came to power by KILLING THE PREVIOUS LEADER! HA HA!”

“Okay, very nice character Grunt. Moving on, Tali?” Shepard said.

“I’m not done yet! When I was 100, I killed an ENTIRE GROUP OF ENEMY MERCS BY MYSELF! That gave me the nickname of THE BLUE STORM OF ILLIUM! I came up with that name myself! Ha! Then when I was 107, I stole myself a spaceship and became a SPACE PIRATE! We’ve been out robbing freighters and killing people for TWO HUNDRED YEARS! HA HA HA HA HAAAA!” Grunt pounded his fists together with excitement. Then he took a deep breath. “Okay, yeah, now I’m done.”

“Okay, my turn,” said Tali. “I’m a human named Vader Simmons. I’m a former peach farmer turned mercenary after my family was killed by space pirates.”

“Were they MY space pirates?!” shouted Grunt.

“I’m going to say no, because then why would I be travelling with you?” said Tali.

“Ah, but think of it this way: if Grunt was the one to kill your family, maybe you just don’t know, or you could be trying to take down his pirate gang via infiltration or something,” said Joker, making some notes behind his cardboard shield.

Tali considered the idea for a few seconds. “Sure, why not. Anyway, I’m a Biotic Combatant, so I’m all about hand-to-hand combat and biotic abilities. Some basic Throw and Pull abilities and such, and also some things that I don’t think really exist, like Inner Energy and Powered Punches.”

“I suppose it is my turn,” said Thane. “All right, I have settled on making a Turian Marksman, which I was surprised to discover was not a class that used a sniper rifle. In fact no class uses a sniper rifle. Instead the class uses…a crossbow. In a spaceship.” Thane was making no effort to hide his disappointment and annoyance that he could not use a sniper rifle in the game as well.

“It’s FANTASY, green-jeans, it doesn’t have to be true to life! It’s just done for the gameplay and coolness factor!” Joker continued scribbling on his notes, not even looking up.

“…Green-jeans?” Thane replied.

“Yeah.”

“…Why would you call me that?”

“Well, you’re green.”

“Yes, but…my garments are not.”

“Anyway, continue with your character, Thane!” Shepard said, trying to keep the team on track.

“Yes, of course. His name is Tenero Venkoz, and he is merely a turian soldier who has served his tour of duty and is now out in search of another calling. Jacob, I believe it is your turn to speak.”

Jacob shifted in his seat, obviously excited to speak. “Right, yeah. Okay, so get this. My guy is called Zel’Darro vas Trekkor, and he’s a Technomage. How cool is that, right? Also he’s a quarian, but that’s kind of obvious from the name, huh? Sorry if I’m stereotyping or pigeonholing your species, Tali, but I get a boost to electronics-related magic as a quarian, so it just made sense. Anyway, his backstory is—”

“Alright, my turn then!” Zaeed said, clapping to draw attention to him. “I’ve whipped up a character here named Pwar Bogal. He’s a Bard character, of the Merchant variety. Now get this: he’s a volus. Eh? How’s that for something goddamn different?”

“…Zaeed, I wasn’t done,” said Jacob. “I have this whole backstory for my guy and it’s really good and original, or at least I think so, and—”

“Quit your whining, kid, it’s my turn. Anyway, like I was saying before I was interrupted, I’m playing a volus and my Charisma stat is through the roof. I’ll be the face of our team, thank you. Anyone wants to talk to our little crew, they’ll talk to me first.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “Zaeed, I’m surprised. I honestly didn’t think you’d be into this sort of game.”

“Somebody I ran with once or twice bought this game back in its first edition back in the day. Played it once on a trip to our destination. He was a shitty Game Master. I swear he was just playing it with us to kill all our characters. My man was the only one to pass the dexterity check to avoid the falling rockslide.”

“Let me guess. Everybody died but you.” Shepard said, arms folded.

“How could you guess? Anyway, my backstory is pretty shitty; I’m a volus merchant with a silver tongue. That’s all you really need for a volus.”

“How do you do in battle? I can’t see you as a non-combatant,” said Garrus.  
“Eh, I’m more of a support class. I release some gas clouds or something that boost my allies’ stats and stuff, or I might bash something over the head with a musical instrument. That should be fun.”

Garrus looked surprised. “Huh. I was expecting something a bit more…combative from you, Zaeed. You certain you won’t get bored playing as a support class?”

Zaeed frowned. “I’ve spent most of my life firing a gun. Maybe today I felt like a goddamn change for once, okay? Anyway, that’s it for me. Kasumi, what d’y’ got?”

Kasumi grinned, the kind of grin she smiled when she had something tricky up her sleeve. “I’m a _batarian fighter_.”

“That’s…different for you,” said Shepard.

“Not just any fighter. An Arcane Warrior. Meaning I have biotics, AND a cool sword.”

“So no sneaking around stealing things and stabbing people for you then, huh?” said Tali.

“Nope. Now I run straight up to people and stab them. Should make for a nice change. Anyhow, my name is Meylar Shovak, and I’m a member of a space pirate gang. For simplicity’s sake we’ll say it’s Grunt’s.”

“HA! This is great! Hey Shepard, soon I’ll have a better crew than yours!” Grunt laughed.

“You realize that you’re a part of my crew, right Grunt?” Shepard said.

“Ha ha ha…ha…wait. Uh…that’s not what I meant. Let me rethink that.”

“That’s pretty much all I have to say about me. Samara, you’re next.” Kasumi leaned back and smiled, content that this was definitely going to be a fun game.

“I’ve decided to play a drell technomage. I suppose we shall have two technomages on our side,” said Samara. “Despite my Kepral’s Syndrome, I, Vexnal Virnon, have gone out into the depths of space to find those in need of my assistance and help them as I can. And may I say, in all my years as a justicar, this is the first time I’ve played a game such as this. It is strange, yet intriguing. I eagerly await what the game will entail. Now then, I believe it is your turn to speak, Legion.”

Everybody turned to look at Legion. Even Joker managed to draw himself away from his all-important notes to see what the geth would have up their sleeve. Legion looked at all the faces staring intently at them, then flexed a few of their faceplates in what could only be interpreted as nervousness.

“We…have come to the consensus to create a human fighter character. This human character is a member of the Alliance Navy, and holds an N7 rank. They also hold the rank of Commander in the Alliance, and were even given Spectre status by the council.”

Shepard frowned. “Legion, what did you name this character?”

Legion hesitated for a long while, faceplates fluttering, before finally answering in a hushed tone “…Commander Leopard.”

Shepard slowly put their head down on the table and tried as hard as they could to conceal laughter. Others at the table were a lot less subtle; namely Zaeed, Garrus, Tali, and Grunt.

“Somebody’s got a case of hero-worship there, Legion!” said Garrus through his laughter.

“Oh, I’m sure the Commander knows how that feels!” said Tali, elbowing Grunt in the ribs.

“Heh heh heh…what? Why are you elbowing me? Stop that!” Grunt said.

“Beep boop, I am Commander Leopard and this is my favourite human on the Normandy,” said Zaeed, making robotic arm gestures. Legion, meanwhile, sat and didn’t move. If it was possible for a geth to blush, Legion was certainly at least trying to figure out how.

“We determined that due to geth unfamiliarity with this game, it would be easier and more logical to attempt to view the game from a familiar viewpoint rather than having to create a new one and attempt to place ourselves into it. This character will be much easier for us to play properly.” Legion’s faceplates were fluttering madly as the robotic platform attempted to explain their totally logical and reasonable reasons for playing as a blatant ripoff of their commanding officer. Joker, surprisingly, wasn’t laughing and was instead just making more notes.

“Right, uh-huh, gonna play an Alliance Marine. That could throw in a wrench somewhere. We’re operating out of the Terminus Systems here, so Alliance Marines wouldn’t be welcome…hmm…but if…yeah…okay, that could work…” Joker was on his third page of notes already, and had a large stack of extra sheets on standby for when he would undoubtedly need them.

Garrus tried to compose himself and cleared his throat. “Okay, then I suppose it’s my turn. I’m a krogan named Klorit Bers.” Grunt giggled softly to himself. Garrus looked at him confused for a second before continuing. “I spent my early years on Tuchanka learning the best way to hit things really hard, like most krogan. However, I was at one point abducted by a salarian STG crew who saw my potential to be the greatest krogan of all krogan who ever lived.” Grunt cleared his throat. “Present company included.” Grunt growled at Garrus, who smugly smiled back. “I’m a Techno Combatant, so I can summon technological armour at will and do some typical technical tricks while headbutting people really hard. Looks like fun. Okay, now it’s your turn, Ja—”

“My turn!” shouted Jack, standing up and slamming her hands on the table. “I can’t believe none of you picked to play as a cleric. So that’s why I had to! I’m a salarian medic named Holroy Respus, and I can use my biotic healing powers both to heal my allies and instantly sicken my opponents from the inside. I can eventually make people come down with a terminal case of explosions. It’s kickass. Wish I could actually do that. I’ll work on it. Anyway, my guy is purple. Just thought you all should know.” Jack sat back down and folded her arms, beaming smugly.

“…Why purple?” asked Mordin.

Jack shrugged. “Because purple. What, are there no purple salarians?”

Mordin held up his hands defensively. “Oh, certain there are. Never met any personally. Salarian skin typically grey, blue, red, green. Purple…” He drew a breath. “Rarity. Just wondered relevance to colour choice.”

“I just thought he’d look cool in purple.” Jack was obviously a bit irritated by the questioning of her character’s colour.

“So what kind of purple are we talking here?” said Jacob, leaning across the table. “Is it a deep purple? A mauve purple? A vibrant purple?”

“Is it a purple like my suit?” said Tali helpfully.

“Oh yeah, it could be. Hey Jack, is the purple like Tali’s suit?” Jacob asked.

“Doubtful,” said Mordin, dismissing the thought with a slash of his hand. “Typical salarian skin more pale, single colour combined with grey. Vibrant purple unlikely. More…lavender colour, if specifics needed.”

“It’s fucking purple! Now let’s move on!” shouted Jack.

“No need to shout, Jack. Right here.” Mordin cleared his throat and looked at his scrawlings on the paper. “Character is human female sorcerer, Klaire Ishtar. Born in space. Long black hair. Uses mainly spells in battle, few melee attacks. Ms. Lawson, you may read.”

“Are you going to talk like that for your character too, doc?” Jack grumbled.

Mordin smiled and put on a horrendous falsetto. “Oh of COURSE not, Jack. I am fully capable of using proper sentences when I need to. Such as when I am acting.” He went back to his regular voice. “As myself, however…” He drew a breath. “Will speak as normal.”

Jack was stunned and more than a little unnerved. “Never do that ever again.” Mordin merely smiled again.

“Anyway, it’s my turn now,” said Miranda, trying to hide how creeped out she was. “I was thinking to myself, what could I play that nobody would expect me to play? They’d probably expect me to be an asari, or a turian or something. And then I found the part of the file on…vorchas.”

Shepard’s jaw dropped. “Are you serious.”

Miranda shrugged. “What can I say? You didn’t see that coming, did you?”

“You’re not actually playing as a vorcha, are you?” said Garrus.

“I always knew you were into those things. Good to see you finally recognized your own sexuality,” said Jack. Miranda glared back at her. Mordin leaned back in his chair to better let the two biotics argue and get out of their way. Surprisingly, Miranda let it go and went back to her character sheets.

“It’s just me and Shepard left, can we stop with the distractions?”

“You were the one who decided to play a _vorcha_ , Miranda,” said Garrus in bewilderment. “Seriously, a vorcha?”

Miranda ignored him. “I’m a vorcha Techno Combatant, but rather than taking the tech armour like Garrus, I chose to take a wrist-mounted flamethrower.”

 

“Are you going to do the voice?” said Garrus. Miranda powered through his interruption.

“My name is Kleeog, and my backstory is that I was one of the underprivileged on Omega until I was able to scrounge up enough money to buy a ticket to the Citadel, only to find that I was regarded with even more contempt on what I had thought was going to be a shining haven. Now Shepard, would you just go and we can move on to the actual game proper?”

Shepard started to speak, but was interrupted by EDI’s holographic image popping up in the center of the table. “Commander Shepard, there’s someone calling you over a secured FTL communications network. It’s Admiral Hackett.”

Shepard sighed and stood up. “Alright, EDI, tell Hackett I’ll be there in a second and wire the call into my quarters.” EDI’s hologram disappeared back into the table. Shepard turned to Joker and shrugged. “Start without me. This call may go on for a while; I don’t think I’ll be able to join in this game. I’ll be back when I’m done, but I won’t make you try to wedge my character in somewhere after you’ve gotten started. You can have me join in the next session.”

“Fair enough, Commander,” said Joker, crossing off a few lines on his notes. Shepard walked out of the room and Joker stood up to address the entire table, note sheet in hand. “Okay, I think we’re finally ready to get started. Let’s begin with a bit of music to set the tone. EDI, can you play track one on the Game playlist?” A quiet militaristic march filled the room. “Thanks, EDI. Now, lights!” EDI turned off all lights in the room, save for one illuminating the table. “And so our story begins,” said Joker, obviously reveling in the moment. He began to read from his note sheet.

“ _It is a time of unrest in the galaxy. Roving bands of space pirates and mercenaries prowl the stars, searching for victims to bleed dry. The space government cannot fight them for fear of provoking an all-out war between the pirates and the military, leaving thousands in fear of just stepping out of their homes. On the cruiser Borneo Delta, a force has been gathered to attempt to wipe out the space pirate king, the drell Dess Novorn. Each member of the force has their own reasons for being on board, and not all of them get along. However, under the command of the human Spectre, Commander Leopard, the unlikely allies set out to defeat Novorn and return peace to the galactic community._ ”

“Wait, I thought this game was supposed to be some kind of escapism. This sounds remarkably like what we just do every day,” said Zaeed.

The lights came back on. Joker frowned, annoyed somebody was ruining the atmosphere. “Well, I mean, you can’t exactly get more exciting and dangerous than our actual regular lives. What would you rather I gave you, a story where you pay taxes and have to roll to see if you used the right fertilizer on your crops?”

“Well, I do get a +2 on Agriculture checks,” said Tali.

Joker eased himself back into his chair, picking up another sheet of notes. He pressed something on his omnitool, and the holo-mat on the table glowed to dim blue life .“You begin on the starship Borneo Delta.” An image of an Alliance cruiser popped up above the table. As Joker spoke, he tapped more options on his omnitool that caused sections of the ship to light up and tiny figures to appear in each of the lit areas. “I’m starting you guys split up a bit. Legion, you’re standing at the CIC; Thane, Samara, Jack, Garrus, and Zaeed, you’re all in your separate quarters; Grunt, Tali, Mordin, Kasumi, and Jacob, you’re in the mess. Tali and Kasumi, you’re members of Grunt’s gang, while Mordin and Jacob are just there.”

“What about me?” said Miranda. Joker smiled and slid her a piece of paper. Miranda took the paper and read what was on it. “Oh, okay,” she said. “So I’m a stowaway.”

Joker made a sound like he’d been physically hurt. “Miranda, you’re not supposed to announce the things I write on notes to you. It defeats the purpose of a private note.”

“Oh,” said Miranda, confused. “Why shouldn’t my allies know where I am?”

“Because in this game, not everybody knows each other, and nobody on this ship knows you at all. They wouldn’t know you’re here. There’s a difference between what you know and what your character knows. You have to make your decisions based on what the character knows.” He addressed the whole table. “Did everybody get that? Is that clear?” There were general murmurs of agreement. “Okay. Okay, good. Then we can finally get started. Legion, your XO, Davis, comes up to you with a datapad. You’re barely a single jump away from the Citadel and yet there’s a report of a pirate group attacking a small planet nearby. You could go and help, or you could continue your mission and not waste time and resources. What will you do?”

Legion said nothing for half a minute.

“…Legion?” said Kasumi. “You alright in there?”

“I think he’s doing something,” said Garrus.

Legion continued to say nothing for another twenty seconds.

“Could he do it a little faster, maybe?” said Jack.

One of Legion’s faceplates twitched. “Our consensus is that helping would be ultimately more rewarding. We choose to take the ship to the planet under siege.” 

“Okay, finally. Right. You send the ship to arrive at the planet, ETA four minutes.” Joker flicked through another few pages of notes. “Alright, uh, let’s check on the guys in their bunks. What are you all going to do?”

“What are our options?” said Thane, folding his hands.

Joker scratched his chin. “Well, uh, you could go to the mess and get something to eat, maybe meet up with the other characters, or you could, I dunno, stay in, watch some vids, have a nap, reflect on life…”

“I’m going to move to the mess hall,” said Thane.

“I will too,” said Samara.

“Same,” said Garrus.

“Not me,” said Zaeed. “I’m staying in my bunk until somebody says I have to leave. I’m not hungry, I’m a volus. Have you ever seen a volus eat anything?”

“Alright, fine. So let’s move to the mess hall. So, Grunt, you’re talking with your two partners in crime—”

“BAHAHAHAHAHA!” Grunt laughed. “We’re going to take over this lousy ship and sail it off into the outer systems!”

Joker rolled his eyes. “Grunt, we have a mission that everybody’s trying to accomplish. Could you try not to take over the ship for a little while?”

Grunt slumped in his chair and laid his head on the table. “Aw…fine.”

“Okay then. Grunt, Tali, and Kasumi, you’re at one table talking. Mordin and Jacob, you’re at another table. Talk amongst yourselves.”

Nobody said anything.

“Come on, guys, say stuff,” said Joker.

“I don’t know what to say!” said Kasumi, shrugging. “Give us a conversation starter.”

“Talk about the mission ahead of you. You’re going out to kill space pirates, how does that make you feel?”

““Make you feel?” Are you giving psychiatric help now, Joker? Are you Chambers now, Joker?” said Jack.

“Just talk, ok?” said Joker, tapping a few things on his omnitool.

“Alright, alright,” said Jacob. ““Boy, space sure is big, huh Klaire?””

“You’re a quarian and the size of space amazes you?” Tali interrupted.

“Hey, look, come on, I was just making small talk,” said Jacob. ““So what do you bring to the table, Klaire?””

Mordin straightened up, and both Jack and Miranda gave him a worried look. Thankfully for them, he didn’t bring back the horrible falsetto and instead used his normal voice. ““I am a biotic sorcerer, and a powerful one. You would do well not to upset me, quarian.””

““Gee, okay, I was just asking a question, no need to get so snippy. And my name isn’t “quarian”, it’s…”” Jacob looked down at his character sheet. “Shit, what is my name?”

““So, boss-man, when do we case this joint?”” said Kasumi, putting on an astoundingly over-the-top Brooklyn accent. “I already spotted a few things that weren’t nailed down, and lemme tell you, they better nail ‘em down soon, or they won’t be there later to nail down, nahmsayn?”

““Oh, come on, uh…”” Tali leaned over to see Kasumi’s character sheet. ““…Meylar, we’re supposed to be working with these people. We shouldn’t be robbing from our allies.””

““Well that raises a good question!”” said Kasumi. ““Why are we working with these Alliance chutzpahs in the first place? WE should be runnin’ this heap, not them.””

“Uh, the reason is that you guys were apprehended criminals and you’re doing this in exchange for freedom once it’s over.” Joker held up a page of notes with that written on them. “I forgot to mention that earlier. Also, you don’t actually know what “chutzpah” means, do you?”

Kasumi thought about it for a second, then said ““I still say we should be runnin’ the joint.””

Tali tapped Grunt on the shoulder. He still had his head on the table. “Grunt? Your two henchwomen are talking, do you want to join our conversation?”

“I wanna steal the spaceship,” said Grunt quietly.

“Maybe later, Grunt. Right now we have a job to do.” Tali patted Grunt on the shoulder.

“Have we arrived at the mess hall yet?” asked Thane.

“Uh, yeah, sorry, I forgot to move you guys,” said Joker, using his omnitool to move a group of figures from a higher floor to a lower floor on the ship. “You guys are in the mess hall right now.”

“We have decided to move to the mess as well,” said Legion.

“Everybody’s gathering in the mess. I like it,” said Joker, moving the figure for Commander Leopard to the mess hall. The CIC room stopped glowing. One figure remained in the bunks. “…Everybody except the volus.”

“To be fair, where do I need to go?” said Zaeed, folding his arms.

“And me,” said Miranda. “I haven’t done anything yet.”

“Well, as long as everybody knows you’re a stowaway now, I might as well show where you’re hiding.” Joker lit up the cargo hold, revealing the figure for Kleeog. “You’re hiding out in the cargo bay. Your plan is to find a nice planet somewhere and set up life there, away from the racism of other species. Unfortunately, you didn’t realize that this cruiser had a mission.”

“I go to the mess hall,” said Miranda bluntly.

“Why would you want to go to the mess hall?! That’s where everybody is!”

“Exactly!” said Miranda. “Everybody’s going there, so I should too. And I’m a stowaway; I probably haven’t eaten in a while. I’m hungry.”

Joker went to say something, but stopped himself. “No. I shouldn’t say you can’t. That would be bad DMing. I don’t want to railroad you guys. So fine. Kleeog hops on an elevator to the mess hall.”

“When I arrive at the mess hall, I shout “Hey, asari!”” said Garrus.

Tali nudged Grunt. “That’s you, Grunt. You’re the asari.”

Grunt sat up and grinned. “Oh boy. “Yeah, krogan? What do you want?””

Garrus leaned across the table, nearly putting his head through the hologram of the ship. ““I hear you run a band of space pirates.””

Grunt sniffed nonchalantly. ““I might. What’s it to you? You a cop? ‘Cuz let me tell you, we’ve already been busted. ‘Swhy we’re here.””

Garrus narrowed his eyes. ““You misunderstand. I want in.””

Grunt laughed and stomped his foot. “Ha! The turian’s got a quad! “Why would I let you join my pirates? We’re the best of the best here.””

Garrus leaned back. ““Perhaps because I’m a great krogan, one of the finest of my people, and deep down you know you want me in your band because you know how great krogans are. They’re the saviours of the galaxy, dammit; fast and strong and hardy. You can’t afford to let the opportunity to hire one of these specimens of strength pass you by.””

Grunt stared at Garrus for a second. ““You know, I know you’re playing me…but you’re right. Welcome to the team, krogan.”” Grunt leaned forward so he and Garrus could shake hands across the table.

““Trust me, you won’t regret bringing me into the fold,”” said Garrus.

“Well, that’s great, you’re all making friends,” said Zaeed, picking at his nails. “Grunt, you’ve got to get better screening for your pirate recruits. You can’t just hire any asshole because he gave your dad’s species a blowjob.”

“Oh, come on, Zaeed,” said Garrus.

“What? That’s basically what you just did there. You gave the krogan species a verbal blowjob.”

“Look, Zaeed…”

“Can we not talk about blowjobs and instead talk about something actually-game related?” said Joker, getting more and more frustrated with each interruption and tangent.

Thane seemed confused. “I’ve never heard of one of these “blowjobs”. Can someone explain?”

Zaeed laughed. “Or better yet, demonstrate.”

“GAME RELATED PLEASE.”

“EDI, bring up Extranet vids regarding “blowjobs”.”

“NO, EDI, don’t do that!”

“ANYWAY,” said Tali, trying to divert the game back on track. “Let’s try to have our characters interact and get to know each other a bit. “Vexnal, how do you feel about hunting down a member of your own species?””

““It saddens me,”” said Samara. ““We are a dwindling species already, yet we are tasked with killing one of our own? This destructive behavior will lead to the premature extinction of our species, and may be a portent of destruction for other species. If the drell can be wiped out by such conflict, who is to say the other races of the galax—””

Grunt slammed his fists on the table. “BORING!” he bellowed. “This game is boring! When do we shoot stuff?!”

“In a couple minutes, Grunt. We’re doing some roleplaying right now—” Grunt cut Tali off with another slam of his fists.

“This crap is boring! Hey, you know what? MUTINY! We should take over the ship!”

“Was that in-character?” asked Garrus.

“You know what? Yeah! “We should take over the ship and form our own space pirate colony! LET’S DO IT! HA HA!” Then I punch somebody.”

Joker was dumbfounded, but managed to recover before he broke a bone somehow. “Uh…well, Kleeog just arrived in the mess hall, followed by two soldiers who saw an unauthorized vorcha wandering around…”

“I PUNCH THE SOLDIERS! BOTH OF THEM!” Grunt tapped a dice-rolling feature on his omnitool. “TWENTY! CRITICAL HIT!”

“Oh dear,” said Tali, putting her face in her hands.

***

“Guys? I’m back, how many space pirates have you killed?” Shepard walked into the communications room to find it empty. The holo-mat and the chairs were gone. The only one left was Joker, sorrowfully gathering up his many pages of notes. “Uh, Joker? What happened? Where is everybody? I was only gone twenty minutes. They couldn’t have killed Novorn that quickly, this game was supposed to last at least a few hours.”

Joker breathed a very heavy sigh. “Grunt got them all killed.”

Shepard groaned. “Of course he did. I thought you said you balanced the enemy encounters.”

Joker shook his head. “They never left the ship.”

“What?”

“Grunt was so eager to kill something, he ended up critically punching a crewman through the hull of the ship. Everybody in the party got sucked out into space. Except…”

“Don’t tell me. Except Zaeed?”

Joker nodded. “I’m beginning to think having him around is a death sentence waiting to happen.”

Shepard grimaced. “Funny you mention that. I just got a message from Admiral Hackett asking me to rescue one of his deep cover operatives. Alone. I need you to fly us to the planet Aratoht in the Bahak system. It’s in the Viper Nebula.”

Joker looked at his notes. “I had so much planned…”

Shepard slapped Joker on the back—lightly. “Look at it this way. We can pick up a new game soon and with some minor tweaking, you can reuse that stuff. Right? Maybe we can play a game after I get finished with this mission for Hackett.”

“Right.” Joker tucked the stack of papers under his arm and hobbled out of the room.


End file.
